Have you ever noticed that people typically say "don't panic," right before they give you something to panic about? Think about it, how often is the phrase "don't panic" followed by good news. Not all that often... Usually, in fact, hearing "don't panic" is more upsetting that the news itself. "Don't panic" causes panic. (Does that mean it should be paradox #1, instead of cliche #2... eh.... either way...). "Don't panic" is counterproductive. It's the "we need to talk" phrase of life outside of break ups. Basically, it should just be avoided at all costs.
Sometimes... and hopefully those times are few and far between... something that really seems panic-worthy is going on. Something that feels so big and terrifying that, despite your best efforts to pray, panicking is just easier. Stress cleaning and being cranky and withdrawn and crying over the stupidest things and eating A LOT somehow becomes the more viable option to trusting Jesus.
That's where I am today.... going home for Thanksgiving was great, but it also opened the floodgates of fear. 5 solid days with my mom made it all the more real that in less than a week, surgery will be happening. As much as I try to convince myself that one week from now, it will all be over and my mom will be fine and the aneurysms will be gone and everything will be okay.... it's starting to become harder and harder to block out the other side of things.... the side that taunts me with fears that I will never again get to argue with my mom over how the Nativity pieces should be placed, or that I won't have a mom to tease about the ridiculous amount of food she buys/prepares/immediately cleans up whenever company is around, or that I won't have a mom to make me breakfast casserole, or.... you get the point.
I am panicking. The breakdown has begun. My mom and I stood in her bathroom this weekend and just sobbed. She kept saying all of these wonderful things, and I just couldn't say anything back. She just has to be ok. There IS no other alternative right now. I can't face that, and yet... it's always there... lurking. It feels like panic is my current and constant companion.
But, the thing of it is... I KNOW Jesus is bigger than this. I know that He is bigger than the anuerysm, than the surgery, even than the potential loss of my mom. Jesus is bigger than the reason for the panic and than the panic itself. I just don't know how to cling to that right now. I don't know how to live in that reality moment by moment.
I keep thinking that in about 10 days I am going to read back through this and kick myself for being such an idiot and making such a big deal out of this when everything turned out just fine. I'm really ok with that - really, really ok with that. In fact, I'm praying for it. I'm praying that, once again, God reminds me that He is in control, that He is trustworthy, and that, in the end, panicking is just another way of blocking Him out of my life so I can continue my futile efforts to maintain control (of myself and everyone around me). Would you pray that with me? Would you pray that I would look every bit the fool when my mom wakes up, just fine, and my family is a part of another gracious act from a God who can do miracles?
The What's Going On Update:
Mom goes up to St. Louis tomorrow for pre-testing. Not really sure what all that entails, but I think they'll select the artery to graft (either from her arm or her leg) and some of that kind of stuff. Then, on Wednesday, she will have a microscopic angiogram. Apparently, there is an artery coming out of the aneurysm that has an unknown destination. Not a good thing when you are about to cut off blood flow, since the artery could be important. The docs are going to take a look at it to see where it goes, and then they will determine their approach to the surgery from there. It's all a bit scary, as this throws a new dynamic into the mix. I am trying to focus on my mom's point that it's good that the docs caught it and want to check it out to be cautious. In the meantime, though, it means that she has to spend the night in St. Louis and that she has to have general anesthesia again. Boo.
Things to pray for for tomorrow and Wednsday:
- That testing would go well and the docs would have a clear understanding of what to do/how to approach the aneurysm
- That the angiogram (anesthesia, etc.) will go well with no vasovagal reactions, they will be able to use a plug so mom doesn't have to lie still for 6 hours and potentially spend another night in St. Louis so close to the surgery, and that the docs will find what they are looking for
-Peace. Just loads and loads of peace for my family.
Thanks!
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